Improving your self-worth through setting boundaries

Have you felt frustrated or annoyed in relationships because you keep doing things you don't want to do? Is it difficult to ask for a raise or time off from work? Are you constantly putting others first and feeling resentful when you don't have time for yourself or the things you enjoy?

Well, those are all about boundaries.

And with difficult situations, setting boundaries is about learning to stand up for yourself.

What is a boundary?

We are constantly setting boundaries, for example, how far we stand away from someone when talking with them, not using someone else's toothbrush or the distance we follow another car so we don't crash into them.

Boundaries protect your time, energy, values, and beliefs.

Visualise the place you live. Inside are your boundaries. 

Outside are all the things asked of you. 

The front door is a single entry point where you can say yes or no.

A boundary provides a frame of reference, a limit you place on yourself and other people's behaviours. It is how you communicate what is and isn't acceptable, including how you like to be treated by others. They are your beliefs, thoughts, decisions, choices, and experiences. 

Having clear boundaries helps us interact with others.

It is often easy to talk about physical boundaries; this is my house, my country, my garden, and my neighbourhood, but much more complicated when they involve people and emotions.

What are Healthy Boundaries?

The following are some healthy boundary examples I've gathered from friends:

Self-care

• When I buy a new item of clothing, I get rid of an old piece of clothing. Simple but effective. HW

Home

• The kitchen is always tidied before bed, but if I have people over, it gets tidied in the morning. CC

Family

• When my children were little, I didn't want to be woken before 7.00 am. I gave them a clock and created a little cardboard clock with a face and picture of 7.00 am on it. The children had to stay in bed until both clocks said the same time. Worked a treat. CC

Work

• With clients - I have put boundaries around my availability – so whereas I used to say when suits you and inconvenienced myself, I now give them options that suit me. I still like to offer two options. SH

What are unhealthy boundaries?

If something is regularly occurring that is not okay, if people mistreat or disrespect us, we will likely not have good boundaries for ourselves. For instance, we find it difficult to prioritise our interests over others, feel responsible for other people's feelings and happiness, get drunk at work events, or allow others to take all the credit.

How do I know what my boundaries are?

Here are two ways to work out your boundaries. Firstly, write down on a page these areas that apply to you: Self-care, Family & Home, Relationships, Finance and Pets. Then, write the boundaries you currently have in each area. For ideas, refer to the examples above in the Healthy Boundaries paragraph. Now, write down the boundaries you want to add to your life.

A second way is to notice. Notice when you have resentment. Is it when someone is late to meet you, or someone walks into your home with shoes on, and they were asked to take them off previously? Did you miss the gym because you let your mother persuade you to visit her? When you notice feelings like resentment, anger, or confusion, just check if you are allowing your boundaries to be pushed around.

What do self-worth and boundaries have to do with each other?

If we can't speak up to say no to going to a movie we aren't keen on or say no to a date with someone we don't really want to go out with; then we are disrespecting ourselves. We don't have enough self-worth to speak up for what we want. When we struggle to communicate our likes and dislikes, wants and needs or keep pleasing others to be liked, our self-worth needs to improve.

Summary

So now you know what a boundary is and how to discover what yours are and could be. The tricky bit can be standing up for yourself, learning to communicate your values and standing up for you. It's like being a parent to yourself for the part of you that can't do that.  

A boundary is being able to see your worth.

If you would like to learn more about boundaries, how to communicate them, be strong enough to say no and find out what's stopping you from setting boundaries, I regularly run a course called Mastering Boundaries. This course will take you on a journey to help identify what boundaries are important to you and what truly stops you from setting them or speaking up and improve your self-worth. Find out more here.