How can self-care help me, and why should I practice it in my life?
Self-care is something that many of us struggle with. I think one reason is that we see it as a separate thing ‘to do’ rather than making it a part of how we live.
Let’s start with what self-care is not.
It is not being selfish (I will talk more of that later), it is not spending lots of money to make ourselves feel better, it is not about having a massage occasionally, it is not about having the latest organic, manuka honey infused, handmade tea towels or whatever latest fad is on social media. It is not about using treats to escape from life.
Women especially have so many demands on them, then find things don’t get done and self-care gets put into the too hard basket. Busy caring for family, ageing parents, doing the shopping, making the school lunches, organising holidays, helping friends and all the while being hassled about this or that and needing to problem solve, oh and there is work as well.
When we get overwhelmed with all the doing and don't give back to ourselves, our physical, emotional and mental buckets can run dry.
However, in all the demands of life, two things can stop us from self-care and these are a) not having clear boundaries and b) procrastination.
A) Boundaries – self-care requires us to have boundaries to make ourselves a priority. For instance:
being able to say no to something you don't want to go to, like an event.
being able to say no when someone is pushing you to do something, but you have chosen not to, for instance drinking alcohol at a party.
being able to ask someone to do something which reflects your values, e.g., taking shoes off at the door as people enter your home or asking for coffee cups to be placed in the office dishwasher instead of leaving them in the sink for someone else.
By saying no, you create time and energy for things that make you feel better about yourself, your relationships, and the things you enjoy.
You know what it’s like when you say yes to going out, but all you want to do is curl up on the couch with a book. And if you’d said no, you would have more energy for things the following day.
When we engage with self-care in this way, it helps reduce stress and anxiety and minimises frustration and anger. Then energy and happiness increases.
And the second thing that stops self-care is:
B) Procrastination – when we get busy and overwhelmed with so many things to do, we end up putting things off and avoiding them. Then we achieve what everyone else wants and not what we want.
Procrastination occurs when we haven’t put boundaries in place to stop ourselves from becoming overwhelmed.
Self-care is also about making sure you enjoy the life you live.
Please ask yourself what drains you in your life right now. Is it work, is it a relationship, is it health concerns? I don't mean sometimes having a lousy day. The draining is work is shite, and I need a new job—the type where you are doing something regularly but finding little joy. So, self-care would be trying to change that situation.
What better self-care can there be if your daily life is fulfilling and enjoyable?
How do I include self-care in my day-to-day life?
One simple way is to ask yourself this question when you wake up each morning - what do I need to do for me today? It's amazing how easily an answer will pop straight into your head (unless there is lots of resistance to self-care).
To help you focus on self-care, here is a self-care planner sheet to use every day. Download it and make some copies for each day of the week.
Self-care can be part of other activities; for instance, while you exercise, think about some things you are grateful for. At lunchtime, walk around the block and find a peaceful place to sit and eat lunch. If you are cleaning the house, put on your favourite music.
It’s better to look after ourselves along the way; have some things we love to do that revitalise us. Through bite-sized bits as well as the choices we make.
Here are some other self-care ideas and ways of living:
The Physical
Being healthy by eating well and exercising regularly
Drinking water or having a cup of tea
The Emotional and Mental
Taking time out for relaxation
Meditation
Sitting in the sunlight
Have a shower or bath
Taking time out for relaxation
Driving to work, put on a favourite podcast
Being able to face failures with self-compassion
Being able to work through problems and ask for help when needed
The Social
Meeting with friends regularly
Caring about and for others, but not to the detriment of yourself
Choosing to disappoint people when you do something different to them
The financial
Choosing not to have credit card debt because it makes you feel sick when you do
But I'm too busy! (=resistance)
Are you too busy, or are you resisting taking care of yourself? Yes, I know you're busy, but unless you refill your bucket of energy, your bucket will run dry, and there will be little energy left for anyone, including yourself.
An example of a boundary with children is if they are old enough. Tell them that life is busy, I work, I run the household, and sometimes I need time for myself, so sometimes I will have some timeout. When I need that I will let you know and for how long it will be. So it could be that you go into the bedroom, close the door, and rest for 10 minutes. A similar approach with a partner when you need some space.
Resistance to self-care or not bothering can also be about how you feel about yourself and your self-worth. Check this out by rating yourself from 1 to 10 with this question; do I believe I am worthy of giving myself the care I need? 1 being no and 10 being absolutely. Where do you sit on the scale?
Focusing on myself seems selfish!
How yummy that it could be selfish! Why not be selfish – you're allowed! Who is it that says we can't be? Sometimes we have beliefs that get in the way of allowing ourselves to do things. We feel guilty for taking time for ourselves. We think that taking time out for ourselves is neglecting our responsibilities.
Something I tell clients who struggle with self-care is to use as well as. I look after others as well as myself.
Remind your mindset that you are allowed to look after yourself, in fact, it’s essential to be able to live a balanced life. Change any guilty thoughts to - if I can look after myself more, I know I will be able to love more, laugh more and be more present.
In summary:
As you have read this, you will realise there is a lot to self-care, not just an occasional massage. It is about setting boundaries so you can re-energise and live the way you want.
For now, think about how you take care of yourself. Are you doing things you enjoy in life every day? When are you saying yes when you need to say no? Make a list of some things you could do to ensure you are refilling your bucket.
Go well and make this year the year you take care of yourself just as much as you care for others.
Warmly
