Relationships can be wonderful, loving, complicated, frustrating, and darn right annoying! So why are they so tricky to navigate? One thing relationships require is clear boundaries. Boundaries with ourselves and in relationships with family, friends, and work colleagues. Why are they important? Firstly, boundaries set guidelines for others on how we want to be treated; we can get walked over without boundaries. Secondly, they clarify who we are and what we need, and thirdly reduce the need to be a people pleaser, saying yes to what others want to the detriment of our well-being.

So, let's explore why relationships can be complicated and why speaking up or making ourselves the priority is difficult. Along the way, I will provide examples of healthy boundaries and how to communicate them.

Boundaries are…

I certainly didn't know what a boundary was for many years. I didn't realise that I didn't always need to be helpful to be liked in relationships. Yes, hands up, I was the ultimate people-pleaser! I didn't know I could say no to things, for instance, saying no to meeting up with a friend because I wanted a duvet night.

As a person, I was helpful and kind, but what about my likes and wants? They got lost in the helping of others. Or with a boyfriend relationship, I didn't know myself well enough to say I prefer this movie or would like to go dancing than watch TV. I was often a follower losing myself in needing to be liked.

Family Relationships

Family relationships can be some of the most difficult to navigate. They can be pretty toxic.

There are many factors contributing to this. We are more likely to make assumptions about family behaviours, we tend to listen less compared to friends, and there are complicated factors like sibling rivalry, style of parental upbringing, and money, to name a few. Toxic relationships can occur if families aren't taught to respect each other and taught how to express annoyances and grievances. Boundary setting regarding how to relate to each other is often uncommon in families.

Here's a family boundary example, a family member recently yelled at me on the phone. So, I decided to set a boundary that if this occurs again, I will ask her not to shout; otherwise, I will hang up.

Examples of healthy boundaries with family

Please clear your plates and glasses from the lounge when you leave.

Sunday nights are clean-up bedroom time.

Please don't comment about my driving when I'm driving; otherwise, everyone walks.

In this family, we talk about things we don't hold grudges.

In relationship with self

Boundaries with ourselves are equally crucial as those with others. It's often about self-care, for example, prioritising yourself by taking time out during the day to sit quietly, saying no when someone wants you to help them when you don't have the time or setting boundaries around healthy living.

Every day we make choices to prioritise our wants or needs, including:

Achieving Goals - think about the goals you've tried to set but allowed others to interrupt the time you set aside to take action. For instance, wanting to get to that Art evening class once a week, something always gets in the road, like a child needing to be unexpectedly picked up from gymnastics class or the partner inviting work colleagues over for an impromptu dinner.

As a parent – it's so easy to let others take over YOUR time. So easy to forgo a regular tennis match when your mother wants to visit. Or it's not looking for a job because you believe your family needs you, but you itch to find one.

Those with teenagers know how important it is to set boundaries, whether with drugs, alcohol, or curfew hours, to name a few. However, strength and courage are needed to set and stick to boundaries.

A friend with her teenage son refused to allow drugs on the property and kicked her son out due to drug use. He was back after five months under their rules (although she chose not to go into his space as she didn't want to find any contrary evidence!)

How often do you put aside what you want to do because your children, partner, friends, or family want you to do something for them?

Relationships at work

With relationships at work, it can be hard to set boundaries; sometimes, it's hard to stand up to others, or if we like to be liked, it's challenging to have an opposing view.

Examples of Healthy Work Boundaries

I'm not sure. I'll need to look over my schedule.

Could you tell me how urgent this piece of work is?

That deadline is tight; it's unlikely that it's possible, but I will keep you informed as I go and see if the deadline can be achieved.

I want to discuss my salary. I've done some market research, and it tells me my role is worth x. I earn 5,000 less than that. You've told me my performance is excellent and I also undertake these other duties. I believe I am worth the increase.

Relationships with friends

With friends, boundaries can be about the Stage of Life. For example, when you have little children, you don't have as much time with friends. When a friend had young children and friends popped over, she would get them to fold the washing. Then when they came again, they would automatically say, "do you need me to fold the washing?" So, although she didn't have the time to chat, getting things done helped.

It's empowering to be clear about the expectations of others and manage your time.

Examples of Healthy friendship boundaries

Unfortunately, I can't help you move this weekend.

I've realised I need to put more boundaries in my life, so this time, I need to say no….

I'm drained I won't be able to make that party.

Sorry, I am in the middle of something – can I call you back? Or let the call go to voicemail.

Social Media

For a baby boomer like me, the young kids these days seem to overshare; think of Harry! But that's how millennials run while, as baby boomers, we cringe at sharing because we were taught not to overshare. We mustn't feel we HAVE to be on social media or feel we HAVE to share our lives. Setting a boundary in this area is being true to yourself. Social Media is not friendship; it is a tool to connect, but it isn't the connection itself.

Why is it a struggle to set boundaries in relationships?

There are many reasons we struggle to set boundaries for ourselves and others; here are a few:

It can be fear. It can be hard to speak up, demand something for ourselves, and tell someone what is important to us
Fear of the fallout of saying what we want
Scared of disappointing others
Fear of the consequences of an adverse reaction. Example:
- You want to talk to your sister about how she bosses you around, but you're worried about how she will react.
It could be feeling guilty about saying No—guilt perhaps for putting self first instead of a child, friend, or partner.
Or feeling anxious about making someone unhappy with a life choice

In essence:

Two things that will help in identifying what stops us from speaking up:

1. Noticing Thoughts and Feelings and

2. Identifying Limiting Beliefs.

When we identify our thoughts when struggling to set a boundary, we can discover the underlying cause, often a limiting belief. Here are some examples:

"I feel scared to speak up about a pay increase at work because I think I'm not good enough."

- the belief is I'm not good enough

"I'm not sure my boyfriend is that happy with me; I think I annoy him and am feeling quite anxious about speaking to him about it."

- the belief is my boyfriend isn't happy with me (although this is an assumption until it's checked out with him), which creates anxiety.

Another reason why we struggle to set boundaries in relationships is people pleasing.

Relationships and People Pleasing

How much do you think you like to please others?

Are you saying yes when you want to say no because you want to be nice? Are you known as the helper, carer, or go-to person to sort something out? All lovely traits, but losing ourselves becomes a real possibility when we over-please and do things to please others. People-pleasing gives away power.

People Pleasing is often about needing to be liked and fearing rejection by a friend or work colleague.

Here's a quick check to find out if you might be a people pleaser:

You feel you are responsible a lot of the time for other people's feelings and or happiness.
You feel you are responsible for 'fixing' or 'saving' others.
You struggle to speak up when you disagree with what someone says
You struggle to say no when asked to help others even though you don't have the time
You struggle to say no when you want to be doing something else

Two tips for communicating boundaries in relationships

1. Use the I

Using the I ensures that you don't blame the other person. When you speak from your perspective, the other person can choose to accept or not, but you're stating what is important to you.

For instance, "I'd appreciate it if you would call before you pop over next time."

2. Use compassion

Look from the other person's perspective; put yourself in their place.

The Finish

Okay, that was a lot of information!

If you would like to discuss with me any struggles you might have with relationships, here’s my email allison@allisonfisher.co.nz.

Warmly

Managing difficult relationships and how to improve your communication skills